Tuesday, November 8, 2011

Video Game Orchestra

So, there's another album of video game music being released, this time recorded by the London Philharmonic. Kotaku is streaming the entire album free for a few days, you can find it here.

On the one hand, this is a big deal. Certainly not everything gets to be played by big fancy professional orchestras. But on the other hand, this isn't particularly great. Most of the songs played are basic main themes ripped straight from the list of best-selling games, and while that's not inherently a bad thing, it'd be nice to see some more variety, both in choice of title and track. In addition to this, in my personal opinion, while some of the tracks attempt interesting modifications, like the percussion-free rendition of Nate's Theme from Uncharted, all the songs, even the straight up re-recordings, lack some of the punch of the official soundtrack versions.
That aside, I've compiled a list of video game soundtrack pieces that really should be listened to. It's a slightly broader range of tracks, main themes and mid-game selections, from games both modern and slightly older, and even though they may never get a live orchestration, they're great pieces in their own right. Enjoy!

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Banjo-Tooie (N64) - "Isle O' Hags"- This may not sound like much at first. But once you've had a taste of it, try clicking through to some of the other versions that play near their respective world entrances. (The Mayahem Temple variant is a personal favorite) Listen to the differences while still maintaining the same underlying theme. Now remember that the game could seamlessly switch between any of these themes, as well as several dozen other musical tracks, at any given time. On a console from 1996. Yeah.

Bastion (XBLA / Steam) - "A Proper Story"- First off, go buy this game. Just shut up and do it. The soundtrack classifies itself as "acoustic frontier triphop." This track isn't even used in the game. But it's that good.

Fable (Xbox) - "Oakvale" - Sure, the main theme is good, composed by Danny Elfman himself. But it's the theme to the hero's hometown that speaks the most, conveying the underlying tale of this sweeping fantasy game.

Fallout 3 (360 / PS3) - "Explore 07" - This game never got a commercially released soundtrack, and thus the tracks were ripped from the program files of the PC version. Simple and haunting, evocative of the nuclear wastes of what was once the Nation's capitol.

Flower (PSN) - "Life As A Flower" - Slow down. Breathe. It's beautiful. This game is all about emotions, and that's exactly what this track will stir.

Halo 2 (Xbox) - "Heretic, Hero" - Still the best track from any Halo soundtrack, at once capturing the alien feel of the rings, the humanity of the soldiers, and the urgency of their mission, and the beauty of the galaxy itself.

Heavy Rain (PS3) - "Ethan Mars' Main Theme" - More cinematic than gameplay, Heavy Rain is, at it's core, about humanity. This theme for a grieving father conveys that better than most Hollywood scores.

Mass Effect (360) - "The Citadel" - Want to sum up the entirety of this game with one track? Here you go.

Shadow of the Colossus (PS2) - "A Violent Encounter ~Battle with the Colossus~" - It's criminal no one thought to include a piece from Shadow on any orchestral collection. Listen, and you'll understand why this is such an oversight.

Uncharted 2: Among Thieves (PS3) - "The City's Secret" - As much as I love "Nate's Theme 2.0", this piece sells the whole game, encompassing the exotic locales, grave danger, and sweeping adventure facing our heroes.

Metroid Prime (GCN) - "Phendrana Drifts" - This piece sounds nothing like a Metroid track, and at the same time feels exactly right. My favorite track from the first installment of Metroid Prime.

God of War (PS2) - "God of War End Title" - Driving and primal, the musical embodiment of Kratos' smoldering rage, subtly incorporating the best elements of the main theme, and building to a climactic finish.

Gears of War (360) - "Gears of War" - Every theme from the game, rolled into a perfect medley, sweeping, bombastic, pounding, and inspiring.

Jade Empire (Xbox) - "Jade Empire Main Theme" - Back before they were making Mass Effect, Bioware dropped an RPG set in a re-imagined feudal China. Another example of the wondrous places the medium can take you.

Red Dead Redemption (360 / PS3) - "(Theme From) Red Dead Redemption" - This game's soundtrack is a masterpiece. It deserves to be recognized.

Kirby's Air Ride (GCN) - "Legendary Machine" - This track is Kirby through and through. A nice diversion from the usual Green Greens or Gourmet Race.

The Legend of Zelda: The Wind Waker (GCN) - "Dragon Roost Island" - Not all Zelda music has to sound the same. Wind Waker took a bold new direction, and is, in my opinion, the best Zelda so far.

Pikmin (GCN) - "Title Theme" - Pikmin remains unique, and so does its soundtrack, at once familiar and yet exotic.

Metal Gear (NES) - "Theme of Tara (Super Smash Bros. Brawl version)" - The original track remains a favorite, but Nintendo's remastering is a great piece all it's own. With a big sexy guitar riff, and some great driving percussion, this is classic Metal Gear.

Animal Crossing: Wild World (NDS) - "Wild World Theme" - Animal Crossing is rather overlooked, I feel. It's always been a very solid title, and it's always had top notch music.

World of Goo (PC) - "World Of Goo Theme" - This is a crazy, off-kilter, Elfman sounding piece, absolutely perfect for the game it opens.

Far Cry 2 (360 / PS3) - "Far Cry (Theme)" - This game enlists players as a mercenary dropped into an African country, where everything, even the land itself, is trying to kill you. This piece conveys the sense of isolation and the feel of the land.

Sunday, February 27, 2011

83rd Academy Awards

Yes, indeed, it's Oscar time once again! Here are the official picks from the resident dumb-asses at Otaku Attack!

Best Visual Effects;  Inception

Best Film Editing; Black Swan

Best Costume Design; The Tempest

Best Makeup; Barney's Version

Best Cinematography; Black Swan

Best Art Direction; Harry Potter

Best Sound Mixing; Inception

Best Sound Editing; Tron: Legacy

Best Original Song; "Coming Home" from Country Strong

Best Original Score; Inception - Hans Zimmer

Best Animated/Live Action Short Film; None
None of us have heard of any of these films, let alone seen them. Therefore, we have picked no winners.

Best Documentary - Short Subject; Strangers No More / The Warriors of Qiugang

Best Documentary - Feature; Restrepo / Waste Land

Best Foreign Language Film; Biutiful

Best Animated Feature; Toy Story 3

Best Writing - Adapted Screenplay; Winter's Bone

Best Writing - Original Screenplay; The Fighter

Best Supporting Actress; Hailee Steinfeld - True Grit

Best Supporting Actor; Christian Bale - The Fighter

Best Actress; Natalie Portman - Black Swan

Best Actor; Javier Bardem - Biutiful

Best Director; Daron Aronofsky - Black Swan

Best Picture;
This is a toughie, and we all have differing opinions and hopes for this category. But we've narrowed it down to three possible winners;
Black Swan
Winter's Bone
The King's Speech

We'll find out tonight just how wrong we were! 

Thursday, August 5, 2010

The Top 5 Asses In Video Gaming

Ah, the buttocks. Long since lusted after by men the world over, and nowhere can finer buns be found than in the digital depths of video gaming. After much deliberation and...*ahem* research, I present to you the Top 5 Asses in Video Gaming. Why Top 5? Because I'm too lazy to think of more than that.

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Number 5; Lilith, Borderlands
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 Ah, Lilith. This deadly beauty kicks things off at Number 5, and boy, does she set the bar high. This butt-kicking babe is murdering half the planet of Pandora on a quest for the mythical Vault, a lost trove of wealth and tech. She's fast, she's deadly, and she's really good at lighting stuff on fire. The only downside to playing as her? You can't see yourself. Lilith, voiced by anime veteran Colleen Clinkenbeard, owns the Number 5 spot.


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Number 4; Chloe Frazer, Uncharted 2; Among Thieves
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Chloe may be the new model, but damn is she a nice one. The Australian treasure hunter proves skilled in all manner of combat and exploration, and she's witty enough to throw some lines back at the snarky main character. With spunk, attitude, and a heavy helping of badassery, Chloe secures herself the Number 4 spot. As Nathan Drake himself remarked, "It's a shame you have to sit on somethin' so pretty."

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Number 3; Madison Paige, Heavy Rain
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Madison may be the most recent character to grace this list, but she deserves it. This spunky journalist proves invaluable in the Origami Killer case, bringing the killer to justice and showing off her goods in process. Madison's booty-shaking earns her the Number 3 spot.


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Number 2; Bayonetta, Bayonetta
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You'd think with an ass like that, she'd be ranked higher on our list, but Bayonetta, the sexy angel-slaughtering witch from Platinum Games' newest title, falls just short at Number 2. With an ass designed to be perfect, and hair that turns into enormous demons and devours enemies (disrobing Bayonetta in the process), this witch has thoroughly earned a place at the top.


But, in the end, (see what I did thar?) it all pales in comparison to...

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Number 1; Snake, Metal Gear Solid Series
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That's right. Snake. Snake has the greatest ass in video gaming. Of all time. No matter his age, no matter his time period, Snake's ass keeps on delivering. And he runs around in skintight sneaking suits! There's practically nothing left to the imagination. The fact that he has kept his buns in top form even in his advanced age shows his sheer dedication to buttock perfection. I mean, can you really say no to this?


I think not.

Friday, June 18, 2010

Xbox 360 Slim Impressions

Short post, since I don't actually own this, and there's really not too much to say.

The Xbox 360 Slim, or technically just the Xbox 360, is sexy as hell.

It's not TERRIBLY smaller than it's predecessor, but it is still smaller, being thinner and a bit shorter, too. The system has five, yea, FIVE USB ports, two in front and three in back, as well as a standard video output, an HDMI port, an ethernet port, and a digital audio out port. It's been said that it has a port for the new Kinect, but it wasn't labeled as such. We'll see when Kinect launches.

The 250 GB Hard Drive is located in the bottom (vertically) of the system, and is easy to remove. The drive itself is small, surprisingly so, about the size of a pack of cigarettes, maybe. Definitely not compatible with the old Hard Drives.

This thing looks sexy, sleek black, pretty lines, and these sick vents on the side. Upright, it looks like an Alienware desktop, and this thing is quiet. I mean almost SILENT. Even when it was running a game, the system was barely audible. Add that to the smaller (and supposedly more energy-efficient) powerbrick, and this thing is a winner.

It comes with standard AVI cables, a wired headset, a wireless controller, and built-in Wi-Fi, which works pretty well, though I didn't exactly give it a stress test. For three hundred bucks, though, it's not really worth an upgrade, especially since most people already have all that stuff. If you're new to it, though, this is definitely worth it. And I have to say, even though I don't need one, I sure as hell want one.

Told you this was short. And now, I'mma go play Crackdown.

Tuesday, June 15, 2010

E3 2010! Sony Media Briefing

Woo! Two posts in one day? Crazy!

Sony stole the show last year, so let's see if they can kick some ass this year, too!

Come on, Kevin Butler!

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11:58 - We are go. Starting things off with a montage trailer. Games, movies, online, 3D, the Move. Some KB in there! Here's hoping for a live appearance.

11:59 - Jack Tretton onstage. Here we go. Tretton warns of action, excitement, and spittle. He's mentioning how cool it would be if KB were here. But, he says the 50-foot mural is enough for now. Jealousy, much?

12:00 - Recapping their 10-year vision. Says that after only four years, they're doing it.

12:01 - Rattled off franchises. Heavy Rain was in there. But it's a single game, right? Ooh... the potential.

12:02 - Only a few minutes in and he's already mentioned 3D. Uh-oh.

12:02 - Kaz Hirai on the scene!

12:02 - He jumped straight into 3D. I am much less excited.

12:03 - He's pimping Sony's 3D program. Not just the PS3, but the TV's and camera's too. Monopoly, much?

12:04 - He keeps stumbling over his words. Managed to get out that we'll have 20+ 3D games by 2011. Might or might not inckude the few 3D games already on the PSN Store.

12:05 - Killzone 3......D. Ugh.

12:06 - New enemies, weapons, and locales, including an arctic bit.

12:06 - Apparently everyone in the audience has 3D Glasses. Those of us watching online don't. I am not impressed.

12:07 - Soldiers on a boat or summat fighting jetpack Helghast. Remind me of Psycho Mantis. Lot's of blood on the screen, makes it hard to see. The game looks good, but what doesn't these days? Shot a jetpacker's pack, it launched him up in the air, until it ran out of gas, and he went splat. Oh boy, not only does the screen get covered in blood, it also goes super-contrast black and white. I love bot being able to see stuff.

12:09 - Some kind of vehicle mech section. Not too cool. Sound is great, though.

12:10 - Sound goes squiffy when you get hurt, and it even effects the cutscenes. Not cool. Oh, and from the looks of it, that little SixAxis wiggle bit is still in the game.

12:11 Mounted gun section in an airship. Game flows smoothly, looks good, especially for pre-alpha code.

12:12 - February 2011. Good. Now I can know when to not care. Oh, and it works with Move. More reason to not care.

12:13 - Kaz is back, pimping for 3D gaming some more, mentioning how it was DEVELOPED, and not adapted for 3D.

12:14 - The Sly Collection? Gran Tourismo 5, Motorstorm, and Killzone 3 in 3D. Along with Crysis 2, Mortal Kombat, Shaun White Skateboarding, Ghost Recon Future Soldier, and NBA 2K11. Snore.

12:15 - Another 3D video. Something about the world cup. Nope, just a lead in. Montage of 3D gaming. Lame.

12:17 - Without glasses, this is just a montage video. At least it's not in that crap blue and red hue.

12:18 - Tretton is back, talking about lifecycles, and how they aren't relevant anymore.

12:20 - Time to talk about Move.

12:20 - I find it funny that everyone throws the word "realism" into motion-contrilled gaming talks. Like Yahtzee said, without tactile feedback, it's just flailing.

12:22 - New dude keeps talking without saying anything.

12:22 - Dev video of talking heads, interspersed with KB. KB is the only interesting bit.

12:24 - The Playstation Move has BUTTONS?! *gasp*

12:26 - Finally time for the games. First up; Sorcery.

12:26 - "Nightmarish fairy kingdoms"? Gay

12:27 - Demo time. It DOES look gay. He is flicking gay purple bots of gayness from his gay wand at ugly and annoying enemies. Radial spell menu. At least it looks pretty.

12:29 - Transformation spell. He is now a rat. Is the rat gay? I don't know.

12:30 - Okay, the game looks stupid, but the tech is good, and the gameplay works, and the crowd is loving it.

12:31 - The narrator sounds rastafarian.

12:32 - Presenter's mic died for a moment. Lol.

12:32 - EA Sports title. Tiger Woods. Don't care.

12:33 - At least Sony is demoing stuff, rather than showing trailers.

12:34 - Dude got up to demo a golf game three minutes ago. He has spent those three minutes standing in front of the tv talking.

12:35 - Swing and a miss.

12:35 - He managed to hit the ball. Game looks nice, but this is the PS3,and that is to be expected now.

12:38 - Oh, Move update via PSN for Tiger Woods game. Ok, let's move on to something cooler.

12:39 - Heroes on the Move?

12:39 - Ratchet, Jak, Clank, Daxter, Sly, and some turtle guy, in some kind of mismatched hack and slach adventure.

12:40 - Talking about ad campaigns. A partnership with Coca-Cola, and giveaways. I am now thirsty.

12:41 - Kevin Butler just showed up!!

12:41 - Dear god, I love that man...

12:41 - Kevin Butler is his usual awesome self. He's playing to the crowd, doing that shooting thing from the Move commercial.

12:42 - He just totally dissed the Cirque du Soleil Kinnect thingy on Sunday. Awesome.

12:43 - "I know everyone has their eye on this motion control thing like it was Olivia Munn in a Lara Croft outfit!"

12:43 - KB is pumping up the crowd, and he is damn good at it.

12:44 - KB is asking us hardcore gamers to not hate on casual gamers. "If you've got an awesome girlfriend, and your friend gets an awesome girlfriend, who wins? EVERYONE."

12:45 - Move has important features...like arms.

12:45 - And necks.

12:45 - Inspirational music, and photos of KB doing epic things with the Move. This is the most inspiring speech ever.

12:46 - "We all serve one master, one king. And his name is Gaming! FOREVER MAY HE REIGN!!"

12:46 - KB is out. His appearance may have been brief, but damn can that man give a speech.

12:47 - Move launches September 19th in North America. Move is $49.99 and Nunchuck is 29.99, or a bundle plus game for 99.99. OR a system bundle for 400. Launch titles are MSRP 40+.

12:48 - Move is being retrofitted into older games, including Heavy Rain!!! Awesome.

12:49 - Another montage to wrap up the Move segment. As always, Playstation has good commercials.

12:50 - As an aside, I hope this mash-up of Move It vs Bust A Move shows up in DJ Hero 2.

12:51 - Time Crisis for Move. Awesome. RE5, as well, but we've already seen that.

12:53 - New ad campaign for the PSP in that Dear Playstation style.

12:54 - It seems they're trying to make a KB for the PSP, and it's a 13-year old black guy.

12:55 - As strange as it seems, I like it. And he has good chemistry with KB.

12:55 - It seems this is now the Dear PSP stuff. It's kind of good.

12:55 - Talking about MGS; Peace Walker. And the PSP.

12:56 - Something called Invizimals. A PSP game with a camera and stuff. And the new God of War game. Trailer time!

12:57 - Looks good. Tretton keeps mixing up the titles for PSP GOW 1 & 2.

12:58 - PSP Lineup montage. I like that they're back to focusing on the PSP 300 and not the PSP Go.

12:59 - Patapon 3! WOO!

1:00 - Kingdom Hearts looks great. And something called The 3rd Birthday. Awesome. And Valkyria Chronicles PSP!

1:01 - "Step Your Game Up" appears to be the new catchphrase.

1:01 - PSP time over. PSN tiem is nao.

1:03 - Holy shit! Sony replicated their entire E3 Booth in Playstation Home! Free stuff and game info.

1:04 - LBP time! Oh boy. Talking about Play. Create. Share.

1:05 - Alex Evans from Media Molecule is onstage. Talking about new stuff to LBP 2.

1:06 - Giving a demo of how the game can create games inside the game. Pretty nifty.

1:07 - Bumper cars and button matching games. Control mapping, and stuff. This looks incredibly powerful.

1:08 - New footage time. They took the best creators, handed them LBP2 for 24 hours.

1:09 - Damn, this looks amazing. This looks absolutely ridiculous.

1:10 - Jack Tretton talking about PSN and the new subscription stuff. "Playstation Plus" features.....nothing concrete. Some pithy words about new content and advance stuff. Costs 50 bucks a year, after he bashed the competition for their 50 buck price tag.

1:13 - Tretton is still talking. Sounds like a wrap-up.

1:14 - Nope. Transition to a guy from EA.

1:15 - Two new titles, featuring exclusive PS3 content. First up; Medal of Honor.

1:20 - New Medal of Honor looks cool, but it all gets so boring. I'm sick of Modern Day stuff. Exclusive PS3 version includes remastered Frontline.

1:20 - Dead Space 2! Now I'm excited.

1:23 - DAMN that looked good. Graphics are beautiful, dismemberment is better than ever, and the exterior sections are still there. Limited edition comes with Dead Space Extraction with Move support.

1:24 - EA guy is still pimping EA stuff. Wrapping up, though.

1:25 -PORTAL 2!

1:25 - Deploying Surprise. It's....

1:25 - GABE NEWELL!!

1:25 - Gabe is acknowledging his previous comments against gaming. He just met KB, the VP of "sharpening things".

1:26 - Portal 2 on PS3! But we already knew that.

1:27 - The PS3 version will be the best on any console?! Wow.

1:27 - Gameplay footage! Much more organic, reclaimed look. GLAdoS is back, and still awesome. 2011.

1:28 - Final Fantasy time. Video of FF....XIV Online?!

1:29 - Meh. Looks pretentious, as always.

1:30 - Mafia II stuff, with Day-1 DLC only on PS3.

1:30 - Assassin's Creed Brotherhood announcement. With PS3 DLC. Multiplayer beta is PS3 exclusive. Trailer time.

1:31 - It's just two dudes running.

1:32 - Wait, shape shifting? I am confused.

1:33 - Another montage, this time of upcoming games.

1:34 - Marvel vs Capcom 3 and new Mortal Kombat are the only surprises so far.

1:36 - Everything else has already been shown.

1:37- That was disappointing. I dont watch E3 to see old stuff.

1:37 - Gran Tourismo 5? Snore.

1:38 - The Top Gear test track is in GT5? Awesome!

1:39 - That doesn't make me want it tho. I'll just build it in ModNation Racers.

1:39 - God damn, this conference is liong.

1:40 - I imagine that would have been cooler if I could have seen it in 3D.

1:40 - Infamous 2.

1:41 - It's a dude running through Not-New Orleans. Not-Cole's new voice is stupid. Electric batons, and a tornado. Plus Ice Powers?! Huh. NOt too visually impressive, though.

1:42 - Last surprise. If it's not The Last Guardian, I'm going to punch a baby.

1:42 - It's two cabbies talking about car combat games. Only on PS consoles, though.

1:42 - It's Twisted Metal, right?

1:44 - Yea, it is. Woo.

1:44 - Lots of clowns on fire.

1:44 - A clown just drove a messed-up ice cream truck onto the stage. This isn't The Last Guardian.

1:45 - Multiplayer gameplay. Motorcycles, cars, and a helicopter. I need to find a baby to punch.

1:46 - Weapons are cool, and it looks kind of fun, but not too visually impressive.

1:47 - New game mode called Nuke. Twisted capture the flag kind of thing.

1:51 - Tretton again. He seems to be wrapping up. But then again, he's seemed like that twice before.

1:52 - It's over. The clown in the ice cream truck is still there. No one seems to care.

Wow. A huge disappointment compared to last year's E3. And where was Uncharted 3?

E3 2010! Nintendo Media Briefing

Hey, party people! I missed the Microsoft Media Briefing yesterday morning due to unforeseen circumstances (work). But I'm here today, so I'm bringing you my recap and unsolicited opinions about the Nintendo Press Conference, and the Sony briefing later today. I'll recap the Big M's as well, once it's up.

LET'S KICK THIS PIG!!

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Starting....NOW!!!

9:01 AM - Reggie Fils-Aimee has taken the stage and is giving a pep talk.

9:03 - NEW ZELDA TRAILER? WOOHOO!

9:04 - Link looks Cel-Shaded. Slightly. Skyward Sword? Cool

9:04 - Video Miyamoto is talking about stuff. He also has magik powers, turning a sword and shield into a Wiimote and Nunchuck. Seems Zelda needs WiiMotion Plus.

9:07 - HORY SHEET! Miyamoto has teleported off the video screen and onto the stage!

9:08 - Link's sword is controlled by the Wiimote at all times. And it seems the tracking tech is kind of...crap.

9:09 - It seems the visual style is reminiscent of Wind Waker. Very reminiscent.

9:11 - Gameplay by Miyamoto. Nothing to discuss; it's the same we've seen since the first 3D Zelda.

9:12 - Miyamoto hints at getting items out of pockets? Oh, never mind. It's just a radial menu. With an item equipped, the aiming reticule stuff from Twilight Princess is up on the screen.

9:14 - Miyamoto tried to throw a bomb. Five motions later, the bomb is thrown when he lowers his hand in disappointment. I laughed.

9:16 - Link has items like bombs and bows and slingshots....and a fat beetle that flies around? How odd. And some kind of extendo-staff? Huh.

9:19 - Trailer time. Scorpion boss!  Beetle thing appears to be robotic. Also, Link goes cliff-diving?!

9:20 - New Mario Sports; Hockey, Volleyball,  Dodgeball(?), Basketball. It's called Mario Sports Mix.

9:24 - The pictures of people in those pictures are having WAY too much fun.

9:25 - Regg seems to think that casual gamers will be sucked in and sell their souls and wallets to the Big N. Huh. "Bridge" titles.

9:26 - Wii Party? "An all new party game...redefines multiplayer fun for everyone" Board game that looks like Mario party with avatars...er, Miis.

9:27 - WiiParty garnered maybe two guys clapping. Woo. After Zelda, nothing seems interesting.

9:28 - Just Dance sequel? Yep. Just Dance 2. Trailer features lots of people dancing in the most homosexual ways possible. Surprisingly, Dance Central on Kinnect looked much more interesting.

9:29: -New Golden Sun! Subtitled; Dark Dawn. Trailer time!!

9:30 - Looks good. Colorful art style. Chibi-esque characters. Bits of gameplay coupled with dramatic text. 3D, but methinks the older 2D worked better. The DS just isn't powerful enough.

9:31 - "Golden has a new meaning?" DEAR GOD. Could they mean Goldeneye?

9:31 - YES IT IS

9:32 - WTF Wii exclusive with split-screen and online multiplayer. Looks like Daniel Craig is PC. Looks like a slightly better version of N64 graphics. Goldeneye 007.

9:33 -  Original Goldeneye on Wii Store? Maybe? Not saying.

9:34 - Epic Mickey tiem? Yes, it is. Ha ha! Reggie mispronounced Disney Epic Mickey as Disney Epic Disney.

9:35 - Producer's talking about it. Something about old and forgotten Disney stuff populating a Wasteland. Ooh! Wasteland Smee! ...in ugly watercolor animation cutscenes?

9:36 - Looks like it combines everything from movie and art and theme parks too. Looks disappointingly happy. Too bright and colorful. What happened to the dark steampunk stuff?

9:37 - Talking about the new paint mechanic. So...it's Okami with Mickey. They're talking about moral choices now. "Playstyle matters." Nothing interesting.

9:39 - Everything suddenly went black and white and side-scrolly. "Travel zone" based off of Steamboat Willie. Producer dude won't stop talking, using pretentious words like "Heritage" and "Innovation".

9:40 - Epic Mickey has been nothing but disappointing since those first steampunk concept arts.

9:41 - Masahito Sakurai name-dropped. Talking about how Kirby is cuddly yet appeals to Hardcore gamers. No wonder; he's getting another game!

9:42 - "Spin a yarn in a way that yarn has never been spun before"? Oh. "Kirby's Epic Yarn" or summat. Weird stitched art style. Fabrics and yarn and stuff. It's cute. Too cute. Kirby uses yarn and his own outline to do stuff. Forms a car, a UFO. He has a buddy. They can stitch the scenery or go behind it. This game confuses me.

9:44 - Releases this fall? Huh. Cool.

9:44 - DragonQuest sales numbers. Must be a new game.

9:45 Man, Reggie really likes numbers.

9:47 - DragonQuest releases here in July. Meh.

9:47 - Metroid Other M! WOOHOO! Looks good for a Wii game. Samus looks too thin tho. The isometric sidescrolling works. Slick UI, too.Woah. Brief glimpse of RE4 style 3rd person.

9:49 - August 31st! Nintendo's cranking out stuff this year.

9:50 -  No shit! Retro studios is retooling Donkey Kong! Big cheers from the crowd. Art style looks good. Loks like the classic sidescrolling adventures. DK and Diddy working in tandem.Classic music playing.Barrel blasting. This looks great. Definitely feeling the nostalgia. Donkey Kong Country Returns. Releases this Christmas?!

9:51 - Reggie is assuring us that they're not just about nostalgia. Mentions the future a bit.

9:52 - Jesus christ. The 3DS.

9:52 - Reggie is bashing living room 3D. Nothing to watch, nothing to play.

9:52 - Now he's bashing the glasses. BIG TIME.

9:53 - Trailer time. Brief recap of 3D. Well done trailer. Glasses-less 3D on 3DS. End of trailer.

9:54 - Satoru Iwata onstage. Holding the 3DS and talking about it in bad English. Looks slim and sexy. Smaller than the DSiXL, I think. 3.5in Widescreen. Full 3D without glasses.

9:55 - Pimping the fact that Nintendo did first 3D games in 15 years ago. Now he's just talking.

9:56 - Thought I saw a control stick! No word yet. 3D can be adjusted or turned off. Successor to the DS. Talking about how smudges and stuff ruin touchscreen's 3D. So...3D is only on the Top. Bottom screen is Touchsreen only.

9:57 - Graphics improvements. No proof yet. Ah. Not a control stick. A "slide pad". Also mentioned a motion sensor and "gyro-sensor".

9:58 - Fully compatible with all old DS versions. Has two cameras on the outside. Takes 3D photos. I say meh, but the crowd applauded.

9:59 - 3DS can play 3D movies? WTF Disney, WB and Dreamworks on board with this. Already running movies at the booth.

10:00 - Project Sora?

10:01 - A game specifically for 3DS. A character already familiar to us?

10:02 - Umm....HOLY SHIT

10:02 - It's Pit! From Kid Icarus!

10:02 - Kid Icarus; Uprising. Must be a flight game. With on ground combat too! Lot's of flying and lasers. Looks to be full 3D air and ground combat. Lots of arrow shooting. Pit sounds obnoxious, tho.

10:03 - Graphics are MUCH improved. Looks less like DS and more like early Wii titles.

10:05- Some spiel about auto seeking other 3DS, like the tag mode from Nintendogs.

10:05 - No new info, but the two-toned Teal and Onyx 3DS looks sexy as hell.

10:06 - 3DS communicates automatically no matter what, all the time. Sounds Skynet-esque.

10:06 - Finally, back to the games. Huge 3rd party support for 3DS apparently. And Iwata promises lots of 1st party stuff.

10:07 - New 3D Nintendogs. Now with cats.

10:08 - Level 5, THQ, EA, Capcom, Ubisoft, Namco/Bandai, and SquEnix on board, with Kingdom Hearts, 'SCreed Brotherhood and Resident Evil mentioned specifically.

10:10 - Iwata is done. Video of developers talking about the 3DS. Hideo Kojima hints at 3D handheld MGS.

10:11 - Resident Evil dev thinks 3D makes us think "What's behind the furniture?"

10:12 - Vid over, unceremoniously. Reggie is back, wrapping up and recapping.

10:14 - Regg se dice that they can't explain the 3D on stage. Cut to a video of...Iwata being sucked into his 3DS?

10:15 - Miyamoto is suddenly attacked by a dog that pops out of his 3DS,

10:15 - DEAR GOD THE 3DS IS VOMITING OBJECTS AT PEOPLE. No, Reggie! Don't touch that! IT'S A TRAP!

10:15 - Bowser just popped out of the screen and lit Reggie's face on fire.

10:16 - Brilliant! On-stage Reggie now has a smoldering and burnt suitcoat. Nice touch.

10:16 - Reggie's going to transport the theatre to the 3rd Dimension. OOH! he's bringing out Booth Babes with 3DS's. There's dozens of them!

10:17 - The booth babes are going to give the attendees a demo while they leave. Nicely done. Just a taste, with more promises of the booth holding more stuff.

10:18 - Game stations just rose out of the floor! Playable Zelda Skyward Sword demo for attendees.

10:19 - Briefing over. Good show, Nintendo. But where is Pikmin 3?!

10:19 - And for that matter, what the hell happened to the vitality sensor from last year's E3?!

Sunday, June 13, 2010

What Hath Science Wrought?

Project Natal is no more. Behold the unholy mass that is the new Microsoft Kinect.

See the terror in their faces?

Microsoft may have chosen the worst possible name for this device EVER. Yes, we all sniggered at the name Wii, and many of us raised an eyebrow at the Playstation Move. Even Project Dolphin, Nintendo's codename for the GameCube, wasn't as ridiculous as this. This new name simply drips with get-rich-quick schemes of gimmicky-gimmickness.

Natal was maybe not the coolest name, but it worked. Natal is a word meaning of or relating to birth, and like it or not, that's what this was, a new beginning in gaming, albeit one filled with spastic hand flailing. But "Kinect" sounds terrible, an obvious portmanteau of Kinetic and Connect. It's insulting. Also, what's with the purple in the name? As if that green wasn't obnoxious enough.

According to Kudo Tsunoda, creative director for Microsoft, "For lots of people, that controller is a barrier...We set out to make a new control paradigm where anybody can get in and play, without having to read the instructions or learn a complicated set of controls."

I don't know about you, but I still feel that tapping the D-pad and then the A Button is more intuitive than some horizontal arm flails and an awkwardly phrased voice command. IGN's string of gaming editorials (which are awesome, btw, and are totally worth your time) remind us that if you hand someone a controller, it is almost universal that the left stick controls movement, the right stick controls camera, A jumps, and R shoots. Hand them nothing and tell them to play, and people will end up flailing about until something happens. There's nothing intuitive about it at all.

Dear god, I hate you Microsoft. If I hadn't already hated Natal, I would surely be despising it now. I hope you burn in that special pit of hell reserved for retarded game executives, where they force you to play gimmicky, rushed 3rd-party motion control minigame collections for all eternity.